Hi! Nice to see you again after that super quick break. :)
Cool outfit, huh? Comfortable. Simple. Practical. Check.
Now, allow me to launch into a blog post completely unrelated to this outfit.
I’m going to level with you: I’ve been in an emotional + sensitive state lately. I know I’ve mentioned it here and there, but whew I’m feelin’ it right now. I’m usually a sensitive person, but it’s in overdrive this week.
Sometimes, it can be really hard to let myself feel what I’m feeling. I’ve spent the past couple of days in resistance, repeating I’m fine, I’m fine to myself while trying to push down the giant lump in my throat.
The thing is, I know better. I know that most of the pain comes from my resistance, not my circumstances. I know things are better when I just soften and melt into what I’m feeling. But sometimes, like the past few days, I’ve just felt beyond the reach of that pep-talk.
(It’s really hard for me to leave that sentence there, without finishing it on a positive note.)
Anyway, bringing it back to Unfancy — all these feelings make me want to shop. Yep. They do. The old retail therapy habit still rears it’s head every now and then. I don’t like how vulnerable I feel right now, so I want to shop to cope, to stave off those feelings, to distract myself. My insides are like, can we just have some instant gratification, please?
I bring all this up because I often talk about the benefits of shopping less and shopping mindfully, but I rarely talk about the times the emotional shopping bug hits. And maybe it’s just good for you to know that it still hits, even after years of practicing mindfulness.
Maybe you feel the same way right now, and it helps to know you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve been there before and you have some words of wisdom to share.
All I know is this: When I bring these feelings into this blog space and share it with you guys, I sense some of that residual “How Fascinating!” energy and it makes it seem a little less like a problem and more like a chance to learn something.
So I thought I’d use this as an opportunity to open up a conversation.
What do you do when you’re feeling extra sensitive + vulnerable to life? Do you usually resist at first? Do you lean into it? What helps you get through it in a healthy way? And … you knew I was going to ask: what do you do when you feel like shopping to cope or distract yourself?
xo,
Photo Credit: Katie Jameson
Liked today’s outfit? You can shop it and support Unfancy at the same time by using these affiliate links:
01 | Grey Tee (old by Everlane) | similar
02 | Jeans (old by Rag+Bone) | same jean in a different wash (made in USA) | similar | similar (under $60)
03 | Ankle booties (old by Sam Edelman) | similar | similar (made responsibly)
04 | Bag gifted by ONA | similar (made responsibly) | similar (under $65) | similar (under $49)
I’ve been feeling the same way lately. I have just been writing it down, researching methods of coping (currently reading the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin), and practicing these methods. One thing she talks about is to act the way you want to feel, so that’s what I’ve been doing, and it works for me. I hope that helps :)
I love that book! Also one of her other books, “Better than Before.”
Hi Sarah, “act the way you want to feel” is neat I will definitely be trying that more often! Just had a sweet baby girl 2 weeks ago and the feels are real lol …..
Caroline, I must say, this is how I felt when I found out I was pregnant… forgive me! Just saying :)
I’m so sorry you’re going through a hard time. I go through them too, and unfortunately, I usually give in to them and regret it. So, I’m encouraging you to stay strong in resisting the shopping impulse. Instead, nurture yourself in another way that feels right to you. Time in nature, exercise, reading, curling up under a blanket. Whatever works for you. I’m hoping this will pass soon and you’ll be feeling well again soon.
When I feel that urge for retail therapy, and I know it’s going to lead me nowhere, I turn to your posts, or the “bemorewithless” site. Then I get a grip on myself and either turn up the fun music or go for a walk, or, if it’s close to bedtime, turn in early.
Thanks for being so real!
I love be more with less! I don’t always agree with her or use her strategies, but I feel that since she has a chronic illness, she is more relatable than other blogs (like zenhabits) in terms of tips and ideas. It drives me crazy when people are like “The situation isn’t the problem — your feelings are the problem. The solution isn’t fixing the problem, it is just stop experiencing unhappiness” IMO unhappiness is a fine situation emotion and is normal to experience and there is often an actual solution that can be implemented.
I get this feeling, like a LOT, as someone with generalized anxiety and a bad shopping habit. I’m not an expert but when I see something I want to impulsively buy, I go through my head and list all the other things I could do with that money. Ex. go on a nice dinner date, save it for my future, or spend it on an experience as opposed to a thing. If that doesn’t work, and I still feel the burn of impulse, I add it to my shopping cart, or my wishlist and I let it sit for at the very least a couple days (more, if possible), and then I come back to it. Way more often than not I look at it and thing “why the HECK did I ever want that??” (for example, when I decided I wanted a ukulele, I did that and went back in a month and was like “what the hell was I thinking?”. If the burn is still there though, and I have a logical reason or need to purchase it, and I have it in the budget, then I pull the trigger. Like I said though, that rarely happens. I hope this helped and that you get all the happy vibes I’m sending your way!
Thank you, Sydney! I love your step-by-step process — first, thinking of what other things you could do with that money, second, putting it on your wish list and then letting it sit for a few days or more. A formula can be so helpful when I’m super emotional. Smart steps, right there. :) Your ukulele example was perfect and had me smiling — I think we all have our own “ukulele” so thank you for sharing so honestly. :)
Sorry you’re feeling blue. Sometimes it’s just a woman/hormonal thing. And sometimes, just go ahead and shop. Nothing wrong with that at all, in my book. You deserve it! Like having the occasional extra dessert. I guess what I’m saying, don’t be too hard on yourself. XO
Hi Kathryn, thank you for your kind words. I needed that reminder to not be too hard on myself — I think we all need it more than we think. <3
Hi Caroline!
It’s brave of you and same time very encouraging for the readers to share openly that you are (“like all other earth people”) still having these emotional shopping struggles. You know, when you only see the positive side of the bloggers who seem to be so mindful and impeccable in choices. But the fact is, we all are people and most minimalists still get hit by that shopping bug. I am in the place myself where I can’t find much inspiration, not excited about anything coming, so I just float in the routine.. And the shopping bug hits me. Maybe it’s the weather here in Finland, as we still have last year’s brown grass and wear winter boots and down coats…
What helps me when I want to have a quick indulging moment of shopping – I go to a grocery mindfully :D Spoil myself with something “too special” for routine days (nice seafood, awesome fruits, whatever your taste buds are feeling). Take time to choose and always go to a “better” grocery than usually. Or go to farmers market, or buy some flowers. Point is – healthy nice food/flowers feel like indulging yourself, feel like nice shopping, but will get consumed and make good for you same time, without buying items.
Thank you Caroline for being such a lovely person and writing so open posts :)
Cheers to you from Finland!
Also, looks like your post has urged many silent readers, like myself as well, to come out to show some support :) just because of your personality and the things you are giving to other people through your blog :)
What a wonderful ideal! Flowers and some good food is comforting and nurturing. I really like this support.
Another shopping place that does the trick – a proper coffee or tea shop :) Fills same void, but no clutter :) And the process of choosing is just wonderful
This is a really good idea!
Such a wonderful idea, Alexandra! Thank you so much for sharing — I’m definitely saving this one. I’m a tea girl, so picking out a fun new tea sounds special. :)
Such a brave and vulnerable post. I’m so proud of you. Life can really be a challenge sometimes. I’ve been feeling similar. My kids are growing up and I need to figure out the next chapter in my life. Exciting and scary. As far as coping. Exercise is my go to. Hot yoga. Running. Hugs to you. You can do this. One day at a time.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, Liz. That’s where we are right now — figuring out the next chapter. And exactly like you said, it can be exciting, but also scary. Repeating your mantra: One day at a time. <3
Great post, Caroline . I am also a mindful shopper, so when I feel the need to shop, I go to a resale shop. We have several in our town and most of the tops are priced no more than $12. And these are nicely made, little worn tops. I haven’t paid full price in quite a while. So i get to enjoy the shopping experience, get something new – all without breaking the bank.
Same here! The secondhand shop on my block fulfills the emotional shopping urge without spending much or contributing to the overconsumption I despise.
I am a huge fan of clothing swaps. Grab a few friends and get together with all your giveaways. Then shop each other’s stuff. Free and fun, plus friends are always a good pick-me-up on sad weeks.
I came here to say this! Secondhand shopping takes longer, you might find something but it’s in the wrong size, or maybe is too worn. So when you do find something special you (I) feel way more proud of the piece.
The thing I have to tell myself is ‘don’t compromise just because it’s cheap’, flashback to last week trying to squeeze into some too small 501’s because the were £4.
Hi Caroline, glad you bring the subject as I’m feeling myself into this loop of feelings that they don’t let me get on with what I need to do.
I love your blog and as I’m going away on holidays I really enjoyed the 10×10 challenge. So my packing is based on it.
I usually love recycling and update old clothes I love; but retail therapy is a must on hard times. My tip for stressful or sad times is going back to your mat and practice yoga: tree pose will ground you and make you feel better.
Yes! I love how you described it: “A loop of feelings”. That’s exactly what it is. Thank you for your advice — yoga is my happy place, too. :)
You are definitely not alone! could be something to do with the Mercury retrograde (yes i said it!) but i’m feeling particularly sensitive these past few days (cried in the post office yesterday!) I totally resist and go all man style and retreat to my cave for a few days then realise it’s best to talk about it as it isn’t going anywhere! it’s good to reach out. I avoid going into any shops when I want to buy and make sure my capsule wardrobe is on full view so I remember all the things I do have – maybe do a bit of outfit building to inspire myself. thanks for a great blog. I love your honest shares :o)
Hi Caroline,
I have been following your blog for quite a while now but I’ve been one of those “silent” readers I guess :-)
When I read your latest post I thought now it’s time to comment because I can totally relate to what you describe! Over the past years I have learned that (for me) it’s always the best way to just feel whatever there is to feel. What always helps me is to tell myself to be okay with how I feel, no matter what that might be; to be okay with being sensitive, emotional and also to be okay with not knowing why. I allow myself to just BE and feel into it. I learned that once you accept your emotions and welcome them as a part of your life and allow them to be your guests for while, they leave shortly after :-)
And for keeping me from instant gratification (=shopping) I tell myself that it will not make the “negative” emotions disappear, and surely it will not solve any of the origins why I feel like I feel. Instead I try to find out what I REALLY miss, and what I REALLY want and what I try to compensate with shopping.
I wish you all the best, and thanks for sharing these honest thoughts and insights. And also a HUGE compliment on your blog – I love it. :-)
Greetings from Berlin, Germany
Thank you for your thoughtful words, Gina. It’s been about two years since I’ve started trying to really let myself feel my emotions and see them as guests, rather than push them away or feel shame over them. But of course, like now, there are times when I struggle. In those times, there’s something so magical about hearing those truths from another person — thank you for being that person today. :)
Hi Caroline. I’m sorry you are going through a rough time.
I hope you know we’re all rooting for you. Not to speak for all of the followers you have, but it’s probably safe to say that most of us found your blog on Pinterest or because we Googled “capsule wardrobe,” but we’ve all stayed because we took an instant liking to you as a person and how your personality shines through your blog.
I’m an anxious sort of person, and I feel like I should have a better answer to your questions than I do. I too like to shop when I am not quite all right. Fortunately, I live too far from a mall to do too much damage. On the more helpful side, I like yoga and find it to be very calming. I also find reading to be a good outlet, but I am a book blogger, so naturally I’m a bit obsessed with books. Getting out of my own thoughts and into another character’s thought is soothing to me, and sometimes gives me some perspective.
Me too! Bonjour tristesse is my fave book for sad times. Series of unfortunate events is good for light reading/distraction/perspective and makes what is happening to me feel not-so-bad! Perks of being a wallflower is good for remembering what it was like to be a teen and have all those feelings and remember why I will NEVER be a teenager again and never miss it, and remember that whatever I am feeling now…I have more control over my life and never feel as depressed as how I did then. I am Jewish and also like to read people’s memoirs about how it was in Poland and Russia before WWII and then be like…glad I don’t have to worry about the czar…glad my house doesn’t burn down every few years…glad I don’t have to dig up moldy potatoes and eat them like my ancestors did.
Louise–please say you have read “We Were the Lucky Ones” by Georgia Hunter! I just finished it, and I too am finding a sense of perspective when I compare my “hard times” with those of the the Jews in Europe during WWII.
The urge for retail therapy happens big time in decor. For most of our clients it ends in buyers remorse unless they are armed with a plan. A plan we have prepared together to use when an opportunity comes up or yes, good old retail therapy. What works for me is to rearrange what we already own…even small changes usually get me out of the slump.-Laurel Bledsoe
I love this nature picture combined with your outfit.
Now…speaking about feelings…I have been in a weird state lately, not the very sensitive one but the one where all fears and frustrations are trying to come out screaming and I am trying to guide them into positive actions and not having all the negativity go around my mind like crazy.
I started to have this idea of not to letting myself shop without wearing a little make up, without feeling positive, without having enough money, etc. I coped fine with it, I must admit, I avoided malls / shopping places, window shopping or checking up the websites and it worked fine.
But sometimes I am trying to forget all the “I am not allowed to do that and that in order not to shop” and direct my feelings to other stuff to keep my mind and body busy. I know the theory about emotional shopping, but the practice is not always that easy. So I try to actually do something about it.
Lately, I fancy the idea of learning something new: a new hobby, a new language, how to express my creativity. Also, I love the idea to start a new set of exercises, maybe a new morning routine to energise myself and start the day positive and thinking about what brings me joy.
I spoke with my beloved about this and we decided that once a month to choose a day representing a country and cook a representative meal, watch some movies related to that country and read more about it.
Also I have tried to read more. I used to read a lot when I was in highschool and it makes me feel I have a goal and I concentrate my mind on something more important that negative vibes,
I like to reinvent my outfits. I have mostly confortable, neutral and classic pieces, just like you, which make it even easier. It makes me feel good and changes my attitude.
I try new hairstyles I never tried before, like learning to make new types of braids. It does not come in handy in the morning before I hit work but in the evening if I want to relax, it works fine.
I also like to write a lot of my toughts in order to get them out. Sometimes I even read them after and see from outside what I am thinking and advise myself of what to focus on in order to be in a state that does not allow me to be negative or pour my negativity on the others.
I hope you read this and maybe get inspired!
I am wishing you the best and keep up the good work because you are really talented and non sofisticated at it, you are actually the only blog I am reading constantly and I often get inspired by you.
Hugs,
Andreea
Andrea this sounds so ideal!!! I too have anxiety and love retail therapy ?. I recently started swimming due to a back issue and I love it!!! It keeps your mind off of everything but the breathing and stroke. Easy on the joints too.
I’m going to steal your theme night idea – so much fun!! Planning for that is a great distraction with a simple goal of fun.
Thanks for the idea.
Hi Kate,
I am happy to share and thanks for the feedback!
We all have our moments and we need to embrace them and make the best of it as much as we can.
The swimming is a good idea too, especially that it eases the physical pain (like back problems).
Hugs
Andreea
I’m always tempted to shop, too, when I’m dealing with an emotional day. And sometimes I do, because I can always return stuff (which I do), and other times I just window shop/scroll and add things to my imaginary wish list but don’t actually buy them. On a healthier note, I like to have a piece of dark chocolate, take a hot shower, or go for a walk, and those things often help me too. Glad to know I’m not the only one who gets the shopping bug when I’m feeling emotional!
You are definitely not alone, Clara. :) Thank you for sharing so openly. <3
I’ve found audiobooks to be especially soothing and temporarily distracting. Nothing like being read to ?
Hoping you feel a bit more yourself very soon.
These questions are my home base. I like to do them all of the time, not just when I am feeling especially vulnerable, but usually I feel especially vulnerable, so whatever. They are eight questions that help me to collect information about myself and my life and usually help me see the significance of smaller moments in my day as well as finding comfort in the bigger picture of my place in the world.
http://www.icareresources.co.nz/uploads/8/9/0/2/8902434/examen.pdf
Oh god…
I think I just felt in love with you. Seriously… Lot of times I asked myself why all that feelings, why I just wanted to arrive home full of shopping-bags and stay exhausted on the sofa looking them.
The only answer I found was that I had to avoid anxiety, but then… It appears in other form or other site.
Nowadays, I have some skin problems in my face with no medical solution (revised for my doctor), many sizes more in my body, bitten nails and this problems added to solve because of my feelings.
Well.. I really apreciate this kind of posts. I love your work.
Could you speak anytime about how to deal with your wardrobe when you gain weight? The typical mistakes of save clothes because “maybe I turn thinner again”, acceptance of your new size and body, etc. Thank you so much!
Regards from Mallorca, Spain!
Hi Caroline,
Impressive post – I’ve been following your blog for a few years now, but never commented until now.
I’ve been ill for the past 8 or so years, dealing with both diagnosed and undiagnosed issues, and I’ve felt that, because my body changes/needs it/etc. I’ve had to switch out my clothes a lot. One way for me to cope with feelings of discontent/stress has been to shop and get a new style, hoping that would lift my mood. It does, but only temporarily, because it doesn’t solve the situation. So I can definitely relate!
On those times I find comfort in the small things (in my closet too) that have always made me feel happy, comfortable and confident, and I go from there. But it’s certainly a struggle and I do give into shopping now and then too, but I allow myself to just buy one small (inexpensive) thing that brings me joy.
I really hope you will feel better soon, Caroline, and that the uneasiness of whatever situation you find yourself in will settle soon! Sending all good vibes your way,
Lily from the Netherlands
I’ve been going through that, too for the past couple of weeks. I’ve been blaming it on the cloudy weather. It’s tough to deal with in the moment because you don’t know which direction to turn.
I keep a list of things that are instant mood boosters in my planner. When you rely on the same thing every time, your mind figures out a way around it. Here are a few things from my list. My personal list is much longer, but this will give you a start.
1. Play/sing music.
2. Go for a run.
3. Read a feel-good novel (when in doubt, I always reach for Anne of Green Gables).
4. Dance in the kitchen.
5. Donate to the local homeless/women’s shelter.
I hope this helps!
Love these suggestions. Re-reading Anne of GG right now before bed. <3
Thank you for your really honest and touching post! Hopefully you feel already better … And I love you in this comfy and casual look!
xx Rena
http://www.dressedwithsoul.com
Dear Caroline, wow, this honesty!
I’m kind of emotionally imbalanced these days as well and yepp, I caught myself visiting shopping sites. The thing is, I don’t really want to buy something, I use the online-window-shopping to get my mind off more serious problems. Does it help? Nope. It totally feels like a waste of time which leaves me unsatisfied – but I just cannot find the energy to do something else. Normally, I try to do things like cleaning or other tasks I don’t enjoy because: Since nothing seems to be fun right now, I can as well do those things that are never fun which helps me to have time to do fun things when I’m in the mood for them. So, fingers crossed we will be better soon!
I am trying to “Be more with Less” and de-cluttering my hoarding of clothes presently, yes, when I am feeling overwhelmed, and sorta depressed about the amount of continuous work, and mess this de-cluttering process is causing, I want to dress up, and go out shopping! What in this world do I need? Nothing that I can buy that is for sure! Makes no sense to shop and de-clutter, donate, pursue minimalism if I keep shopping…….but it is that feeling you get, the rush of excitement when you see something that is pretty, and bright, and “so you” too, I think.
But, what do I do to NOT shop? Continue to de-clutter, I’m finding all types of things with tags on yet, shoes, purses, dresses…..I take a break, or a day off from de-cluttering, and do my nails, or some other beauty rituals, or visit my sister. Planning dinner for the week, cooking nice meals for my hubby and I, taking our dog for a walk, or going to dog park, another activity when it is raining out is Pinterest!
Pinterest is like shopping without the actual buying of items. I get lots of good ideas for de-cluttering, like designing my closets, rearranging furniture, and decorating ideas, recipes…endless things. I read my books on minimalism, and fashion/style, also the blog sites I follow, and WordPress, so many topics of interest there. They all help, but sometimes you may just have to shop….dollar stores are good, or Harmon/Value Faces for health and beauty items, always great bargains there……if you need them, sooner or later we do, seems to do the trick when I feel like shopping, nice bubble bath, shampoos and creams always useful for my pampering rituals, helpful to de-stress, and relax. That is what I do.
Ms. Un-Fancy, you are truly a minimalist, I aspire to be more of one, I read “Be More With less” and several other blog sites, and I don’ think I will ever get to the place you are….but you are inspirational, and I admire/appreciate that.
Thank you for your inspiration, I’d wear a bit of jewelry, and scarves, love those…..I believe you can wear the same clothes every day, and change your scarf, no one would ever notice your clothes are the same.
I love what you said here: “What in this world do I need? Nothing that I can buy that is for sure! Makes no sense to shop and de-clutter, donate, pursue minimalism if I keep shopping……”
I’m going to copy this on a post-it and stick it up in my closet! : )
Oh I definitely know the feeling, I think everyone does. I’m very introverted (bordering on painfully shy), so just being around too many other people for too long can set it off. Usually I just need some time to myself. Take some deep breaths, have copious (or at least one) cup of tea and really really pay attention to it, paint my nails, reorganise my desk drawers or makeup, make some lists (to-do, things that make me happy, etc.)
Likewise, I also get the shopping bug on a regular basis! I’m a uni student, which means a couple things – every shop under the sun advertising student offers, and a very tight student budget! A walk to the nearest supermarket for groceries is a minefield as I have to go down the high street – not ideal! So I either exercise the shopping bug on grocery/mundane trips (e.g. I mull over fancy tomatoes and the fish counter, I go back and forth on which laundry detergent to buy). Or – and this is a little sad – I play The Sims, but with a whole heap of community-made, free-to-download content. It’s like shopping, but free :)
Oh, Caroline! Thanks for being so honest!!! It is not easy to share those feelings…. You are brave and generous. Feeling vulnerable is uncomfortable, at least to me, because feeling that life ‘affects’ me, and that I am not strong like a rock and I can’t control everything….is not easy! but hey! this is wonderful, because it is real, life has its ups and downs, sometimes we feel great and sometimes we don’t!
Shopping is an easy way to avoid feeling uncomfortable… for a bit!
For me, starting a nice activity at home, it is a good help: cooking a nice meal, or repairing something that needs to be repaired…. I feel better with myself without trying to change my uneasy feelings.
Hope that helps
Thanks again for sharing something ‘not so nice’
PD: the 10×10 spring challenge was wonderful. THANK YOU!
I close my eyes, take a few slow deep breaths and say to myself “this feeling shall too pass.” Sometimes I only have to do it once and other times I might have to do it a few times over a few days. I find this technique really calms me and allows me to go deeper into the emotion that is driving me at that moment.
I am still really working on this, but I try to remind myself that shopping does nothing for my soul. Instead, I find an indulgence is good for my soul. Lately, that has been reading in bed with tea and a book that feels indulgent (i.e., not “serious”). I try to really luxuriate in the feeling of lounging and reading. I also love the comment about fancy groceries! I do that too…I go to Whole Foods and get tropical fruit which I normally avoid as it’s pricey. Papaya, mango, pineapple.
Sometimes, if I’m really feeling down in it, I will give in.
Usually when that happens I try to balance it by only letting myself go shopping in a responsible way.
One way is to go thrifting. This way I’m less likely to purchase anything, but if I do, I know it’s being reused.
Other times, I’ll go grocery shopping. This sounds silly, but it satisfies the wanting part of feeling sad and gets something done, which also feels good.
Feel better soon!
I really love your honesty in this post. I find when I resist it gives whatever I’m feeling undue power and that compounds the longer I take to deal with it and really go there. Sheryl Sandberg recently had a quote about grief, but I think it works for most emotions, “Lean in to the suck”. I think it is good advice to go through what you are going to go through – sooner rather than later!
I don’t think I’ve connected my need for shopping, instant gratification to my emotions and this is so enlightening, because I definitely have this too. Thank you so much!
-Autumn
Hi Caroline, I’ve never commented before and I don’t even consider myself to be all that into fashion, but I do appreaciate your style and your blog. This post really hits home. In the last year or so I’ve been really focused on being mindful and allowing myself to feel emotions, rather than repress them (which was my coping mechanism of choice for most my life). At the same time, I’ve also been moving toward a more minimalist lifestyle. I think I own very few items (and clothing items) for most people’s standards, but I’m finding myself fighting the urge almost daily to buy stuff! And a lot of times I’m losing the fight. I’ve been really confused by this urge because a minimalist lifestyle resonates with me so strongly. Thank you for the reminder to look a little deeper, and to allow myself to feel the feels before trying to erase them with my wallet. I KNOW that doesn’t work, but sometimes it takes an outside perspective to remind me what’s going on. Thank you! <3
It seems a lot of us feel this way. Today I am mostly tired and hormonal, and despite having achieved a lot in doing up and seriously decluttering our kitchen I have very little energy today.
I try to do things that will make me feel better: Headspace, gentle yoga, walk, made myself a supercharged smoothie… if I really can’t stop the shopping bug, I visit a charity shop (thrift store?) as I may well not find anything I want and if I do it is a) not expensive and b) totally green and responsible. This is what I did yesterday, and bought an Eileen Fisher linen jumper for £6. Win win.
I’m a newer reader. You’ve created a wonderful space here.
Realizing I’m a Highly Sensitive Person gave me a whole new understanding of my feelings about or reactions to things. And I realized the times when I spend the most are when I’m feeling the most.
I have a notebook for list-making. I make myself write down the thing I want to buy, and it has to sit on the list for a month before I can consider buying it. Then I try to refocus my attention. Lots of things change in that month.
I used to resist my sensitivity, but now I’m able to lean into it. I take notice of it and try to appreciate that it’s just another part of me that sometimes needs space to be.
Take care :)
I don’t really know if there is an answer. It’s really good that you are able to recognize your feelings and articulate them (and maybe even notice where they are coming from even if that isn’t something you would share on a blog). For me, I just do whatever I can to resolve the problem. Right now, I’m pretty sick and have autoimmune issues (thyroid and rheumatoid arthritis) that are effecting my ability to do pretty much anything. My energy is wiped. I know that all I can do is go to work then come home and go into low power mode. I know the only solution is taking a break from full time work, and I will be doing that and going to part time grad school instead.
But for the next 6 weeks, until the end of the school year, I know there is nothing I can do. I have to keep working and doing the best job I can for my students, even if that leaves other areas of my life coming up short (hello kitchen remodel, hello patchwork wall that will not even be thought about being painted until summer, hello clothes that won’t get mended, hello errands that won’t get done, hello friends that won’t be hung out with).
Take anything you can off your plate and accept that things will not be ideal. There are stressful and hard times in life and there are blissful and easy parts of life. There is no escape from ups and downs. Just realize it is a down, do what you can to fix it, but realize that it might take awhile and it’s just a normal part of life. I always think of the Magnetic Fields lyric from Sweet Lovin’ Man: There’s an hour of sunshine / For a million years of rain / But somehow that always seems to be enough (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K73cmQR9kZc)
Shopping won’t fix your problem (unless you are, for example, always spraining your ankle on worn out shoes or changed sizes and don’t feel comfortable in any of your clothes or something like that, and then it’s an easy fix of shopping, which is fun and will also alleviate the problem).
If you are really feeling emo, talk to a professional. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and in my opinion, something everyone needs from time to time.
I love your blog even though I don’t always relate …I shop for a living as I stage model homes, so shopping is not therapy for me it is work! When I am in an ultra sensitive mood, If I let it go, it is usually is a good cry. Tears do refresh and heal… Then treat myself to some me time with a good movie, lunch with girlfriends or redesign a room in our home :)
Caroline, I am so sorry to hear you’ve been feeling that way, but please know that you’re not alone! I’ve “self medicated” my feelings with both shopping and food in the past. Now I do my best to treat myself kindly with yoga, nature walks, and good books. A friend date with a silky show and popcorn doesn’t hurt either! Know that it will pass and that feeling down mean you will appreciate feeling good again. Good luck and I hope it passes soon!
<3
This post comes at a very good time for me. I just had to put my dog down. It was an awful tragic thing that has left me devastated. I’m usually not a shopper at all, but the day after it happened (Tuesday) all I could think was, What can I *buy* to help me remember Brady? I did end up buying things–a canvas print of a picture of her, a bracelet engraved with her name, and a perennial for my garden.
It’s interesting how we reach out for *stuff* when we feel empty inside. Stuff doesn’t make the pain go away though. Perhaps its just a stepping stone in the grieving process though.
So sorry about the loss of your dog, Susie – that is hard stuff! Sounds like you are doing a good job of being gentle with yourself as you mourn your sweet pup. Xoxo
Oh gosh, Leah, thank you for your kind words. It’s not an easy thing, but being surrounded by people who care and the kindness of strangers, such as yourself, really help me feel like I’m not alone and that I’ll be ok. Thank you!
Hey Caroline, thank you for being vulnerable about your vulnerability and sensitivity. I’ve been feeling VERY similar lately and trying to process it. For me I know there is a lot of change coming my way (moving, waiting to hear back from grad school, my best friend getting married), so I think that puts makes me extra sensitive for the moment. I’m not a shopper (I actually hate shopping, which is one of the things that brought me here: I loved the idea of NOT having to search for/buy tons of items- just pick a few quality ones), but I have my own vices, mainly escapism and overanalyzing my feelings to death. Something that I’m re-dsicovering right now is the Enneagram. Have you heard of it? It’s a personality spectrum with a spiritual/soul side to it. It says that there are types of people who are ‘gut’ people (among other types) and they couldn’t ‘get over’ their emotions even with a thousand magical unicorns. I think it helped me to realize that, because then I can sit with the emotion for a minute and try to learn what it’s teaching me and then move on from there. (I’m not saying we should always be ‘lead’ by our emotions, but I think trying to stuff them indefinitely isn’t going to do anyone any favors. Instead ‘why do I feel this way? What’s going on in my heart?’) That’s where I’m at at least. I understand some of what you are saying. Grace to you as you process. (Final note: Nature. It always helps to get out in nature.) <3
Enneagram for the win! Great tool for understanding how you deal with emotions and how you perceive the world (and how your relative/significant other/friend/boss does and why we are so different!).
Hi Caroline – I hear you, I get it. Best advice I’ve ever received – turn into the feeling, just go thru it, not around it. Sad = have a good cry (it’s free!) or feeling mad = yell into a pillow. It’s doesn’t matter that you don’t know exactly what it is that’s shadowing you, but avoiding the feelings keeps them with you longer and makes some of us do other things to keep from feelin them (shop, sugar, drink, TV, etc). Good luck, you got this !
Wow! So many comments! I wanted to add mine to the bunch. I’m not very good at resisting the retail therapy bug. But I might finally have come up with a solution for me. (You know, besides just NOT GOING to the mall.)
I was thinking that when I feel compelled to buy things, I could buy things for our local homeless. I’ve always wanted to do care packages, but never had the guts. I don’t know if I will now, but I’m going to try! Wish me luck, everyone. I’m a very shy person. :/
Anyone else ever try making care packages?
Yeah! I’ve done travel-sized hygiene products (soap, deodorant, toothpaste, toothbrush, comb, sunscreen/bug spray), easy to chew food (helpful for folks with dental issues), water, socks, underwear… Call your local shelter (or look up donation lists online) to find out what’s needed in your area. donate to the shelter or keep some on hand to hand out to folks. It can be daunting at first but in my experience is worth it, especially when it leads to relationship. Good luck!
Thanks for the guidance! That helps a lot.
We did this through our church. We put hygiene products and a bottle of water in a backpack (feminine sanitary products are often a big need) and handed them out to homeless people downtown through a group that regularly does this type of outreach. I’m sure a church or community group in your area would be glad do receive items as they’re a big expense!
Thank you for the encouragement! Every little bit helps.
LOVE these pictures – the vibrant green!!
-Kirsten // http://www.porkandcookies.com
Take a paper and start writing down all that you feel and anything which is on top of your mind.. seeing your thoughts on paper helps identify the root cause of the problem and sometimes getting those feelings out of our system and into something external like a paper itself is theraupatic… Please try and let me know if it works :)
In times when I feel emotional I draw deeply on the Lord. I read some favorite Psalms or just dwell in his word through my daily reading or by listening to a sermon. But just because I am a Christian doesn’t mean I have it all together. I also struggle with wanting retail therapy in those times, and it’s a beast I will struggle with all my life, probably. Though there is more–this world is not our home and we don’t have to store up “treasures” on earth, it is a good time to try and do something for someone else to curb that urge to spend money on something I don’t really need.
I loved your post! When I’m feeling that way, I might donate to my charity of choice equal to the amount of the item, then come back a week later and see if it’s something I really “need”. I’ve also really been liking the podcast by “The Minimalists” which is very motivating and just going for a long walk with my dog or making a nice dinner. Thanks for being so real!
I’ve never once commented on a blog before in my life (or even an insta or fb post for that matter!), but your opening up pushed me over an edge and so I felt I could open up. As everyone above has said, I know those sensitive times can be tough, as I’ve had my fair share, but I truly believe that they are the times when one has the chance to grow and become a stronger, more compassionate person than ever before.
The two things I do when I’m “feeling the feels”, or when I have urges to have an instant gratification, are serve and create. Service is the absolute best thing to take my mind off of myself (during a time when I’m probably thinking about myself a lot), and think about someone else. Perspective and sympathy are fantastic helps. The service doesn’t even need to be big – just hand writing a thank you note, baking cookies, maybe doubling your dinner and taking it over to someone else, etc., can all have a huge impact on your life (and perhaps theirs). If you wake up in the morning and ask for opportunities to serve, I guarantee you’ll find them. And then when you come back to your own feelings, you will feel fresher, rejuvenated and more ready to tackle them.
I also try to create. Whether it’s a small craft project with my daughter or sewing an entire dress, or just working in the garden for a moment, or baking/cooking, it feels good to do something productive with my hands. The meditative quality of creating helps me process all my feelings too. Plus, it often can give me something new in my closet! Turn an old dress into a shirt by hemming and you have a new item to wear! It helps me to feel like I can be in charge of something, that I can have an effect on something, especially in those times when stuff if happening to me where I have no control.
Hope you find some sort of nugget in there that perhaps can help you. I’ll be sending good vibes and prayers your way in the meantime. Your blog has meant a lot to me over the years, but I’m usually quite silent on social media, so hopefully you know the impact that you have on people’s life (aka my life).
Serve and create. I love these ideas. :)
I wish I could say it gets easier, but my draw to shopping when I’m feeling down has stayed with me. It was hardest when I could afford to shop all the time, because I thought why not, other people spend a ton of money going out drinking or on expensive hobbies (like golf), so what if my hobby is shopping. But as you know, you then end up with an overflowing closet that is work more than fun to maintain. I’m able to curb the desire by just adding things to my wishlist frequently. However, I don’t want to rely on shopping for comfort, so I try to turn to exercise and reading, which are both super effective. Exercising by myself is sometimes satisfying, but scheduling walks and hikes with friends is often better. I also rediscovered my love of reading while on my exercise bike. It feels so efficient! I wish you the best getting through this period of feeling down!
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling right now. That you for daring greatly and being honest about your struggle. My friend works at a suicide hotline and says sometimes people call just to talk about the hard stuff because we are all so used to saying, “At least x” or “but other people suffer more”. Move toward the pain. The best way out is through.
This post is so important and thank you for addressing this topic! I recently hit waves of being low and would always turn to shopping to make me feel better. It stemmed mostly from lack of confidence and unhealthy feelings of jealousy (especially as a blogger, you know how it is) and I thought maybe a new pair of shoes or jeans would make me happier.
One thing I learned when I (successfully) completed two no-spend months was that instead of turning my energy towards shopping, I tried to turn it into being creative. Whether I just got out some colored pencils, doodled, practiced my photography, or acutally came up with blog content, being able to focus my time on something else other than shopping made me cope better. It also helps to avoid triggers like Instagram, blogs, Youtube, etc.
http://www.insearchofsheila.com
I write! to understand the feels and explore where they might be coming from. Often I don’t know where my emotions come from. I’m not the most intuitive person, so I learn about myself when I write-which is a good thing. Also, READ! jump into another world through fiction. Go work out! Cardio and weight lift off that pent up negativity until you’re too tired to try on pants.
And then there’s also one other trick I have in my bag for curbing the shopping bug…shopping and perusing is fine and all, but then I focus heavily on the having to take my shoes and pants off to try something on…and I think, nah, I’m good. Or if I’m online shopping…I focus on how much of a pain it is to package something up and return it. Or re-sell something six months later that I don’t like anymore. Everything is sooo much work, that only the truly compelling stuff gets through, because it’s just easier to grab a book and curl up with my dog.
Thank you for sharing so bravely and openly. You are an inspiration!
Not long ago I discovered a strategy: “stay in bed until I feel better”. ;) Of course, it’s often not literally possible to do that but the combination of camping out in a safe place (bed/ couch) all cozy when I can and the reminder that rest and acceptance are the way (not doing and striving) helps me let go of any plans I may have had and just be with the feelings. May you find a path that feels good and honors you!
I am 100% an emotional/stress shopper. For instance, it is finals week in grad school and I’d rather DO ANYTHING than think about school.
There was an Ann Taylor 60% extra off sweaters last night and I had 4 in my cart, but decided to show my husband since I was aware that I was stress shopping. I told him why I liked each but after we talked about it, the itch to shop went away.
Since you’re wearing a t-shirt today…I’ve been in search of good quality tees lately. I hate getting the little holes in them after a couple of wearings. What are your go to tees?
I think I need to take your route, I tend to run from my blog when feeling emotional. It’s my space, I should embrace that. Thanks for the post!
Kate Lately || Fashion + Lifestyle Blog
http://www.katelately.co
Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time, I’m going through a similar thing at the moment. I find that for me going for a walk really helps because I can clear my mind, think about nothing but what a wonderful and beautiful place I’m in and let my brain process stuff without me really thinking too much about it. Afterwards, I always feel better and can see things more logically.
I love honest posts like these. Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. I identify, thought I’d share what helps me.
I think we are all under so much pressure to be great all the time! I say lean in to the rough times, and take it as an opportunity to really look after yourself.
For me, this is hobbies: pottery class, jam making, drum lessons, whatever takes my fancy at the moment. Sometimes even that feels like too much though, then it’s time for giant blankets and good movies, and giving myself permission to say no to going out and being sociable.
You’ll find what works for you, instead of shopping. It’s all part of the wisdom-building of getting older :)
THANK YOU so much for sharing this! I know it can be difficult to open up on the internet to strangers sometimes, but it is so helpful to know there are other people out there struggling too. One of my favorite quotes about emotions/feelings/depression etc. is from Stephen Fry:
“I’ve found that it’s of some help to think of one’s moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather:
Here are some obvious things about the weather:
It’s real.
You can’t change it by wishing it away.
If it’s dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can’t alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.
BUT
It will be sunny one day.
It isn’t under one’s control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
One day.
It really is the same with one’s moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness – these are as real as the weather – AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE’S CONTROL. Not one’s fault.
BUT
They will pass: they really will.”
This quote helps me not to feel guilty about my moods. It helps me to lean into my feelings and accept them as normal and natural. I struggle with depression and anxiety so I often times feel very out of control with my emotions, but acknowledging that they are real has been hugely helpful.
He’s hoping the sun comes out for you someday soon (:
I’m reading the ‘happiness trap’ – I haven’t finished it bit so far it’s really good and helping me to reframe my thought process in a really helpful and concrete way.
More and more I’m realising that these swings and ebbs and flows in emotions that are so often labeled as weakness or abnormal are actually just being a human being – we expect to have control of ourselves but we’re these organic growing entities, not machines.
I always (at least always try) to lean into it – like ask myself what do I need today? My friend once told me to treat yourself the way you’d treat a beloved friend, with that much gentleness, objectivity and support. So some days I need to suck it up and get stuff done because that’s what’s really going to help, but some days I need ice-cream and blankets and rom-coms, and others I need to think about all the sad things and cry. All those things have their place and time and trying to resist them won’t help me feel any better. Of course I can’t wallow forever, but for me, a little wallowing can help sometimes – and sometimes deciding not to wallow no more can help too!
Thank you for sharing – I really think the more we let our walls down for each other, especially as women, the more we see that all this stuff we go through is normal and just a part of living a rich, open life – and never anything to beat ourselves up about xXx
Thank you for sharing this, Caroline!
Actually, I recently realized that whenever I find myself randomly shopping online, it means that I’m not feeling well. I know, that sounds a little weird, because I should know that anyhow, but it became my tell that something is up. So it’s now a “how fascinating” moment, that makes me realize that I need to take some care of myself, instead of feeling bad for wasting my time randomly shopping online.
Hi Young Lady?! I continue to learn so much from this younger generation. I didn’t have this support when I was your age. I thought what great advice can an older woman, who in my mind is still 30☺️, give? My best advice is to unplug for 24 hours, and journal your thoughts. Or go on a retreat. I did one in Austin at a Hindu temple. (I am now a Christ follower). I hope & pray this will pass soon & you’ll be back to bright & happy .??
I’m so sorry you are having a rough time right now. You are brave to share and maybe that will help you as well as others struggling. Thank you for your wonderful posts and your beautiful personality!
I needed this discussion, especially right now.
My cousin & I were both pregnant, due about a week apart. I miscarried. She just had her baby. I thought I’d dealt with all the grief, but I’m fighting not to be swamped by it right now. I want to hide out & search for the most beautiful things online & buy them, making myself feel special & lovely & satisfied.
Of course I *won’t* feel satisfied because all the pretty things aren’t really what I’m wanting. But it’s so very tempting.
Instead, I’m making lists of my blessings (Ann Voskamp’s “One Thousand Gifts”). I’m searching for beauty in the now. I’m cuddling my 3-year-old on the front porch and losing myself in the layers of green. When I need a more thorough escape, I’m reading good books. Daily kindle deals are great because I can shop a little bit, find a good deal for $3, get it immediately, and then escape by reading it.
And, while it isn’t practical to let myself go and feel the feelings to their full extent, I’m giving myself permission to function at about 60% for a while. I may not be quite as engaged; I may need a little more quiet-time; I may need help dealing with 3-year-old tantrums.
Finally, I’m being very careful not to compare myself or my family or my situation with others’ that would increase my feelings of inadequacy. Each has her own road, her own life, her own joys and sorrows. There’s no place for envy.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, mk. Thank you for sharing your story and your quiet wisdom for living through a broken heart. I hope your days grow brighter. Take all the time you need.
I am very sorry for your loss. I wish I could find words like Annie did. Just be assured that there are people in the world, reading your words and feeling the feels with you, hoping all the best for you and your family.
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks
ox
Thank you for this. And thanks Caroline for posting. Good for you, good for all of us. How fascinating!
This is beautiful. I saw an orchestra and choir present a piece with Rumi’s words – it blew me away. I need to get Rumi into my reading stack. Reading instead of online shopping. Thanks for sharing this.
Beautiful. I’m glad you shared this today, Mel! Thank you. <3
you’re most welcome. rumi is my favorite poet! :) wishing you so much love and peace.
ox
Thank you for that very personal post. Yes, I’ve been there too. And I’ve had the shopping bug. I used to give in and get instant gratification that usually didn’t last very long. And new stuff in the closet that I don’t really need. Why do we crave things when we are in emotional pain?
I think there is no miracle remedy. Life isn’t about being happy all the time. I liked some of the ideas in the replies though, especially the one about treating yourself to consumables like good food or fresh flowers. Or the one about window shopping the net, adding things to your cart and never buying them. But it still leave the question open: Why do we want to buy stuff?
What helps me most times is knowing I’m not alone. Any you’re not, there are many wonderful women in this worldwide community who relate to you. I think human contact (or a furry friend) has immense healing powers.
I love your blog for its openness, for being real, for its diversity, for its heartwarming yet witty style of writing, for its inspiration, for the community of great women and for the wonderful person behind it.
By the way, I like the outside photos;.)
First off – yes, that is a cute outfit :)
I’m sorry you’re not feeling well! I live with anxiety and getting out of bed sometimes can be a struggle. My best advice is admitting out loud that I am having a bad day. It could be as simple as turning to my partner and saying “I’m not feeling good”. Saying it out loud and vocalizing my feelings takes a huge burden off my shoulders. I acknowledge my feelings, it’s out there in the open, and then I go through my various coping techniques (psst! guided meditations are my jam).
When my bad shopping habits rear their ugly face, I head straight to my storage boxes and reorganize them. Since I do capsule wardrobes too, a large chunk of my closet (aka clothes note in my current capsule) is in boxes in my storage closet. So, when I am feeling the urge to shop, I pretend I am shopping my closet. I swear, every time I go through those boxes I find something new!
I hope you feel better soon! Sending you lots of positive vibes!!
xo,
EK
Yes girl, yes. I am totally an emotional shopper, and I especially noticed it was in direct correlation with my confidence. I remember the moment I realized it — I’d had a tough day at work and made a mistake, then drove directly to a shoe store and went on a splurge. It was a total light bulb moment for me! Now I have it a lot more under control, but the urges are still there. Now I might spend my money on plants instead and work in the garden. Or buy fabric and sew something. Keeping my hands busy seems to help a little. Being sensitive isn’t a bad thing, though I think all around us we are told we need to be tough. There is beauty in the vulnerability. Hugs sister friend.
Thank you for being so open about this, Caroline. I don’t think we talk about this kind of thing enough. So often when people ask how we are, they aren’t really even listening to the answer, and they certainly don’t want to hear “not so great.” I’m sure I’m guilty of this too. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. This has been a really hard year for me, and it got harder when I lost my dad to cancer in March. I’ve been struggling, and I am also dealing with some of that “won’t let myself feel my feelings” thing.. I’m trying to talk about it, though, with friends and family and with my students, too (I’m a professor), just to encourage others to do the same. So thanks for your bravery and willingness to be honest. It’s important–that’s the only way we’ll all realize that it’s okay to feel our feelings and talk about them too. Wishing you good things.
Thank you for sharing! Of course this happens to me as well. A few videos and posts back I talked about Retail Therapy (right after my weekly therapy session, haha!) And how in good measure, it’s a great resource.
What a coincidence it is that I uploaded a video and blog post on how optimism protects our brain today and then I found you are sharing this universal truth that happens to most of us.
Keep up the great work and “this will pass too” !
Alina
http://www.eclecticalu.blogspot.com
Wow Caroline, your post couldn’t be more on point with my life right now.
My boyfriend and I have dated for a few years and people have been really pushy/pressuring about working on an engagement and being “married already.” We aren’t quite there yet and want to keep a wedding on our own timeline, but I can’t help but feel EXTREMELY inept when others put in their two cents. It hurts because I also want it so bad, but it’s just not practically the right time for either of us yet.
I just had a family friend visit my parents and in the two days I was there, she asked me if I had any big news [yes I said, job promotion. she scoffed.] and then the next day when the big day was [I tried to play it cool and she ended up going, “Oh, your brother’s married and has a baby already.]
I will be honest. I caved in. Yesterday I drove straight to the mall after work. I missed the buzz and all the distractions. I ended up buying a top and necklace and getting some food for dinner. While I shouldn’t have spent any of that, I surprised myself at my lack of desire to really scavenge the shops for deals. I actually didn’t go into most of the shops on my list and the others I mostly browsed.
I realized mall therapy doesn’t cut it for me anymore. I’m more mindful and it doesn’t gratify like it did before. While I was still hurt from the family friend’s words, I found some healing in that. And a good poke bowl soothed my sushi-loving soul.
i wonder how effective it would be to go shopping, but for other people? A family member or friend who hates shopping but needs an item and your support (and expertise!)? Or a shelter that needs warm winter socks or new underwear?
Or even a swap meet- I loved going to those and met wonderful women at them!
Can we channel the negative urge into a positive talent AND use it as an opportunity to reconnect with others? Cause reconnecting with others is one of the best medicines for every ill, in addition to sleep and sunshine.
Oh my goodness, what sweet ideas! To channel the energy into kindness. Lovely! xo
Strong enough to not always be strong. Amazing.
I’ve been quite emotional this April, and rather than draw it out and open up to it, I’ve just acknowledged that April has become my least favorite month.
Thank you for sharing – I wish I had your gift for expressing emotion. {{hugs}}
Mare, thank you for sharing that thought — strong enough to not always be strong. When I’m feeling down, I’m always frustrated that I’m not “stronger” — your words were a gift today. Thank you. <3
It seems we are all cloned from the same mould! How fascinating. Caroline, and bless you for baring your soul. I hope that’s helpful therapy for you, as for all of us. When we share, we enable us to identify, pinpoint, analyze, then deal with life. Often we don’t know what, or why there’s trouble and we just react to our internal yearning to fill the void. Other times we don’t admit that things aren’t well with our soul and we either chase our tails or give in to indulge, either with food or possessions. I have likely done all the right things that work for a time: declutter, take a walk, write, plan, help others, garden etc. but these are short stop gaps. The best thing I have begun is to just meditate that even though life is very good, this isn’t Heaven yet! Our job is pleasant, to hold hands with others, care for them, reflect that the best is yet to come, to bless not curse, and even to love the unlovely. Humanly this isn’t possible, I am wired to be way too self-centred and that’s when I fall down. But I get up again! Remember, when you feel like you’re in a pit, your help comes from looking up, and knowing our great creator God designed us, has a plan for all of us, and cares. He says “Be still and know that I am God”, so once I’ve tried everything else and finally get back to that truth, I’m back on the rails! And thankful for the experience.
One more thing! Caroline, you are lovely in person as well as appearance and it makes us sad to know you struggle. Your posts are so honest, genuine and helpful and we do love you. I miss you on the days you’re off! Rather selfish, because I do know you’re doing a labour of love for all of us and need down time to get out and know, every day is a good one that God gives us! So thankful for you.
There must be something in the air because I’ve been feeling the exact same way! And interestingly, my desire for new things is stronger than usual, too, though I’m afraid my number-one coping mechanism is food. So far, the most effective strategy for me has been to recognize my desire to shop/eat copious amounts of sugar because I’m feeling down, and not because I actually need those things. Last night, I distracted myself with cleaning, which I appreciate is pretty lame but I’m an organized person and seeing clean, open spaces makes me happy! Cleaning/organizing allows me to control something when I feel out of control in other areas. Good luck with your feelings and THANK YOU for being so open about them.
Hi Caroline,
It’s very brave of you to share this with us. I’m sorry you feel like this at the moment.
Actually, one of your posts inspired me to do something about the shopping urge I sometimes feel: in this post from last fall (I think), you mentioned all the fashion trends you didn’t follow although they were extremely popular. Now, it seems silly, but I make a list of all the trends I choose not to follow because they’re just trends and will not last long, like ruffles and off-the shoulder tops or just because they’re not ‘me’. I hope it makes sense. At the end of the list, it’s easier to realize how these trends are futile and how I don’t need them.
I don’t know if it helps, but I can tell you that I learned a lot about my own style and about mindfulness when it comes to shopping thanks to your blog. People probably keep saying that to you but you’re making a real difference, so thank you for being you.
Sending you lots of good vibes,
Adeline, from France
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable!
I am generally a sensitive person. When I feel it, I lean into it. I know that for me, the only way through it is through it. Avoiding just prolongs the process for me, so I give fair warning to those in my life, make some time, and really indulge (if that’s the right word) in how emotional/crappy/sad/hopeless/weak/whatever I’m feeling.
As for shopping, if I can separate out the clothing of item from the model in the picture-perfect scenario, that helps me. I don’t think of the model wearing the dress in a late-afternoon sun-lit field. I think of it lying on my bed as the ordinary thing it is- not the magical feeling-fixer- and that helps to cure me of the need to have it.
Good luck, lady! You’ll get through this.
Love this way of thinking of the clothes once it’s home and not on a perfect model in a sun lit field! Nailed it.
What I do? Sometimes I…simply…shop… And I don’t mind because it only happens from time to time. It is like eating some chocolate or having a glass of wine after a hard day… I try to shop less, to have less things… But if I “cheat” from time to time… I am ok with it!
Ana, I love your honesty here. Thank you so much for sharing this. Yes to trying to shop less and have less things, but also yes to the human experience where we struggle and feel things and sometimes just shop. I can sense your confidence here — it sounds like you’re doing exactly what’s right for you. Keep doing you, girl. <3
Whew, is this timely. I’ve been spending so much money lately on clothes, and just yesterday afternoon had a moment where I realized that I need to think about what I REALLY need. I need to be held (emotionally), to feel secure, but also to learn to be okay with hanging in the gray space and the unknown, and holding myself through that process.
The thing I’m struggling with with shopping is that for the first time in years I have spare money to spend on things I really want and need — and boy do I NEED summer clothes (I’m a fall/winter dresser by nature, and have never had a good summer wardrobe) . The problem is I have high standards for my clothes — and — well — ES fits what I’m looking for, but it is NOT cheap.
Grounding in nature helps, so I make time to go on a hike, center, and really focus on the necessities in my life.
Hi Caroline. I am on my own journey towards healing and shopping with intention and conciousness. I still shop to calm and release and sooth but have gotten good at not actually buying anything. I am in process and being kind to myself as I go. Here is what I recommend to you and it isn’t related to shopping. Take a look at the idea of being an HSP a Highly Sensitive Person. I am one and I can feel that you are and frankly see it too. Once I began to honor my sensitivity, really honor it and see it as my nature even on a cellular level, I began to have a language to understand how I move through the world. Also, these are highly charged energetic times. We are all transforming and social media plays a major role in this. Its so important to honor our bodies and our full experience of being alive. Those are my thoughts. For context I am 46 years old and worked as psychotherapist for 10 years and am also a medium/psychic and…a wardrobe consultant ;). We are all feeling each other so deeply. Check out info on HSP. All my best. Rachel
Ooh yes, Rachel, I am an HSP. I’ve learned to see it as a strength, but sometimes, something knocks me down and I see it as the biggest failure (even though, deep down I know it’s not). It’s hard when it seems most people around me are stronger, but then again, I think the point is to not compare “strength levels” but to appreciate their strength in my life. It’s a gift. After all, we weren’t designed to do live alone — we need other people.
Thank you for sharing your encouragement + insights with me today. :)
well, now, you are right on schedule for you and isn’t it beautiful how your awareness and honesty has led to such depth within the community. like you, i find that when i notice i am resisting something and acknowledge it, it tends to start dissolving. the i is noticing the me.
for many years i worked at a hospital teaching mindfulness to a wide variety of people and it was fascinating to learn about people’s ‘numbing strategies’. i used to praise people’s brilliance for having both an awareness of them, and for coming up with techniques in the first place to help them cope before they had access to new skills/tools. and that their timing for learning was perfect, to have compassion for all the years of mindless numbing. this world can be tough on folks who are wired as ‘highly sensitive people” (see work by elaine aron http://hsperson.com/)
i love to receive a daily email from inner pilot light. it’s fabulous and so tender and clever: http://innerpilotlight.com/ enjoy dear one!
Do you go on a shopping binge and get a lot of pieces or just one or two. If it is only one why not channel it into something useful or small? To me, a cute pair of socks will do the trick or I will treat myself to a small dessert. I like the previous poster’s idea to transfer your want of shopping into someone else’s needs. Lately I have been channeling all my stress into working out and I feel much more relaxed and energized.
I find that when I’m feeling blue, volunteering can really help get me out of my funk. I volunteer at my kids’ school most often now, but have also worked with local cancer and AIDS support services as well as at the local Ronald McDonald house. All of these experiences have renewed my faith in humanity and most definitely pulled me out of a dour mood or two. If you can, make room to volunteer regularly. Even committing to just a few hours once a month, but on a regular schedule, can really brighten up one’s soul.
I completely agree that resistance is only making the tough feelings dig their claws in deeper. I’ve found that the absolute only thing I can do to move through a stage like this is sit with the feelings and get them out however I can. Sometimes that means purposely binge watching TV shows/listening to music/reading books that I know will make me cry because I need to just GET IT OUT. Yoga is also a huge one for me. I know it sounds so trendy right now, but I mean it. There are certain poses that just trigger a release of emotions. They’re different for everybody because we hold emotional tension in different places. My number one is pigeon. When I get into pigeon and come to stillness, I get a wave of emotion no matter what stage of life I’m in. I feel like over time, as you get the emotions out and let the universe (especially your readers – we love you!) help carry the weight, you’ll start to find clarity and be able to take action towards feeling better.
Thinking of you and sending love, parallel life friend! XOXO
Hi Tressa! Totally agree — yoga is a gift. And I can relate to the yoga + emotions thing — the other day I just silently cried throughout a whole class, hah. My intuitive teacher didn’t act like it was weird in the slightest, but just explained later that these poses can open up emotional spaces we didn’t realize were closed off. <3 I tend to withdraw inward when I'm down, so your reminder to let others help is timely. Thank you for taking the time to share!
Gaah, I do the same thing but hadn’t really realised until you said it. When I’m feeling anxious or out of sorts I procrastinate. I also look for little things to fix. Both of these can lead me to feel like my wardrobe is imperfect and needs improving (which is sort of true) and to focus on that more than I normally would. Thank you for raising the idea.
You know, that’s the one hard/good thing about kids. When the shopping bug hits, I can stock up on diapers and paper towels and baby wash. There’s always someone in the family that needs something. I enjoy shopping but like you I feel so much more successful and happy when I keep it mindful. I don’t need a cut crystal ice bucket. Why did I buy one? I don’t know…Another outlet I’ve found is writing. When I’m feeling particularly anxious or sad, I write even if it’s not something I’m going to actually ever share with the world (I write it like I am). Thanks so much to continue to share your story. It has been so influential on my journey to a simpler wardrobe- I still can’t say I capsule, but I only buy and keep things that I love and that has made all the difference.
Music (and singing with it) is a soulful way to sooth a busy mind and/or sad heart/soul…at least that is what I find works. I am amazed at how often I forget the emotional benefits music provides. There are so many types of music at our disposal that can help us make emotional adjustments. If one doesn’t work, eventually I know I will find something that does.
Recently, I was reminded of how well music works for me. After two years of careful preparation, both with our home and my husband’s diet and exercise, we were as ready as we could be for him to have open-heart surgery. He had it just two weeks ago yesterday. I admit it took some real soul searching and music listening to finally reach the emotional state my husband was at. He was ready and unafraid even the morning of the surgery. I was finally relatively at peace with it all, including being ready for most of the potential outcomes.
What I was apparently not prepared for was the ideal outcome we hoped for, and it was the one that still brings me to tears as I write this. The surgeon was able to repair the congenital valve problem. To say that we were overjoyed at this outcome is beyond an understatement. He is also recovering well; he is very proactive with it.
After two years of high anxiety, it is foreign to me to feel relief, calm, well being. I am elated for my husband and very proud of him. I am infinitely grateful.
Caroline, you have my empathy with your emotional state, as your other readers obviously do. Such emotions can either creep up on us or take us by surprise. They are real and deserve our respect and attention. There are many ways to address them and none is likely to work all the time.
I know I need to remind myself about the magical powers of music, about how it can transcend and lift me up to a better state of mind. You have great ideas of your own plus wonderful suggestions from other readers that can raise you up as well.
Best wishes to you, Ardith
Oh Ardith, your story! What a story! Thank you for sharing it. I love that you were able to walk through this with your husband, and what a gift for both of you that the outcome was the best it could have been! I’m thrilled to hear that your husband is recovering well and I’m equally thrilled that you are in a place of calm and peace after so much anxiety. <3 <3
Your reflections on the power of music ring true for me. Music can always lift me up, and your comment reminds me to surround myself with it today. Thank you.
I also love your words that one solution probably isn't going to work every single time. Most of my regular solutions aren't working right now, and at first, that makes me feel panicked. But the truth is -- it's normal! Each situation is different, so each solution is likely to be different as well.
Thank you again for sharing! Sending love. <3
This was a great post. Thank you! I think the way you were feeling could take a different form for each person. Some people eat, gamble, drink, etc. You made some good points in this piece.
Hi Caroline
Thank you for such a well written piece and thank you for your bravery in sharing it. These feelings knock the world out from under you and make you question who you are. Its a feeling I’m quite familiar with. Please remember that you are a vibrant adventurous woman who has friends all over the world that are sending their well wishes. Grab a coffee watch a romcom (can I suggest dirty dancing/pitch perfect/hope floats) and create something. Creativity reminds us of own power and the beauty in the world and builds confidence.
Sending smiles from south Africa.
Hi Caroline,
Thank you for opening up the doors to this discussion. I’m in a down slump right now (finals, yo) and it’s nice hearing that there are others there with me.
I’ve been taking a lot of baths, and reading fluffy YA fantasy books, because they make me feel better.
In general, when it comes to the tug of shopping, I can sometimes channel it in a more creative way. I’m an enthusiastic knitter, and working on a project can slow down my impulse. Plus, I get something lovely and more meaningful in the end. This happened specifically when Aritzia had their winter sale. I talked myself out of many sweaters by working on my own.
Thanks, sending you happy vibes through this process.
Yes girl, you just have to feel it. I like to remind myself that emotions are only temporary. They come and go, and that’s especially so for the more painful emotions. So even though my instinct tells me to resist, I relax into what I’m feeling, but I also give myself a time limit to sulk. Just like I can let those emotions in to feel them, I have to help them see their way out too. All I can say is we’ve all been there and this will pass. I do like your outfit, how comfortable and easy it is, but I also really like your words.
Thank you for sharing.
http://www.theindiebyline.com/blog
The cure for the blues that works best for me is the time spent with my girlfriends. Not acquaintances, not friends I go shopping or to dinner with, not my hubby, but true long-term girlfriends I’ve know for 20+ years. Who know you better than you know yourself. There is nothing like a deep conversation and a good cry, if needed, to regain perspective. Preferably as a weekend gateway if possible. They will know how to get you out of a funk. And if you don’t have them yet, start cultivating those relationship – you will need them 20 years from now as much as you need them today…
Since my husband and I joined our finances together I have someone else to hold me accountable for my purchases, which for me, is a huge help. When I get that “spendy” bug and all I want to do is shop, I know that I have to consider someone else, and that squashes it.
It IS fascinating, Caroline!
1-you are modeling the opposite of the world’s “have to buy it’s spring” call to all!
2-you are not wavering.
3- you ARE breaking through the old mold like a fore runner for you & for so many! Not easy, but trust the joy, the release, the truth in it all that WILL be revealed to You.
4- keep your eye focused on the “why”( you have deliberately chosen this path), and when the “old stuff” tries one more time, and loses,( you exposed it! Yes!), you can move forward into a new, fresh freedom.
Excited for you & all of Unfancy people!
You have scored big time here! Praise the Lord!
This might be a bad suggestion or sound counterintuituve…but sometimes spending a lil’ time on pinterest settles my shopping hunger…it’s like I own all the pretty things i’m looking at but I don’t spend any money. My materialistic thirst is satiated for a bit. I, however, understand how this has the potentail to go horribly wrong though lol
Interesting that you brought up resistance to emotion! I was reading about anxiety (I have it, big time) and how the more we resist our stressors (all the things that give us negative feelings), the more impact they have on our life. Very counter-intuitive. Of course, my initial response is almost always resistance. It takes a *huge* effort on my part not to resist. But, it’s by consistently embracing the negative emotion and fear (even in baby steps) that we break free.
xo, Sofia
http://www.thecozie.co
Hi Caroline. I’m Kate-45 and have been following your blog for a few years now. First off your style and grace and way with words are an inspiration to me and clearly, many others. As you can also see, you are not alone in your feelings and urge to fix those via retail therapy. I ha e anxiety issues and I can’t tell you how many imaginary shopping carts I fill up all over the Internet but I look at is as a game-is Fashion Plates still around ? I loved this as a kid – building outfits, making the print and coloring it. To me the online shopping without pulling the trigger is me just building fun outfits. I love what another reader said about imagining the item in your own life and that line of thinking has finally hit me over the last few years. My closet was practically all cocktail dresses!
So unpractical but I loved the finery
of them and the possibility of
glamorous events (that never take place as we are really casual and go grab cocktails in jeans 99% of the time).
So I want to say your blog has almost cured me of impractical shopping and I thank you.
I’m learning through counseling (which I resisted for years but have finally started going as the feels where just crushing me) is that it’s okay to feel vulnerable and sad and deep cleansing breaths are always a good thing – HeadSpace App is awesome.
Acknowledging the feels is ok. Allow yourself to slow down, take a break and just be. We readers of your blog will wait patiently and will support you when you return.
i am so sorry you’re having a rough time.
i’m having a rough time too, even with thoughts and impulses i’ve worked on with a therapist and thought i’d conquered. i realized that spring, and particularly april, are extremely challenging for me. i don’t get down in the winter, but for some reason, april is generally the pits.
i have pretty standard depression, and it comes and goes regardless of the fact that i’m being treated for it. i sometimes get agoraphobic when it gets really bad, like earlier this year. i gained a lot of weight from usual winter eating, depression, and lack of exercise, and that also did not help my depression or agoraphobia. if leaving the house (i work from home, so work was okay) is a struggle when your clothes fit, gaining 30 pounds and having everything be tight, uncomfortable, and/or unflattering, leaving the house becomes almost impossible.
so. i got a second dog. a young dog, who absolutely needs 90+ minutes of exercise. i could barely make myself leave the house to walk my first dog, and she got along fine with just 30 minutes around the neighborhood. but the new dog needs his walks, and now we’re running together. i never would’ve started running again on my own. i hate that i couldn’t do it just for me, but i knew that if i got a dog who needed me, i was incapable of not meeting his needs. so i basically created a situation for myself where i HAD to do it.
and yeah, the more exercise helps. though it’s not a cure, as some people (oftentimes, people who do not have depression) like to say. i also think therapy can help, but it also isn’t a cure. sometimes it’s tough when you do the things you’re “supposed” to do–get on meds, get exercise, eat well, see a therapist–and you’re still struggling. the best thing i can do is accept that i’ll always struggle, and try to make the best of it. it seems dour, but the reality of mental health issues is that they’re treatment resistant. so i got another dog and made the best of it.
my more general advice (because getting a dog is likely a terrible choice for a great many people) is to do something, however small, that will give me a sense of accomplishment. cleaning is usually a good place to start. a home can almost always be cleaner, it keeps the body and mind occupied, you’ll benefit from the result, and you’ll be proud of yourself for doing it. same goes for organization, decorating, home projects, gardening, etc. they’re all also things that can only cost time. with decorating, you can start by rearranging things, or purging what you don’t like (i actually think marie kondo is best for home items), before adding anything new. and with home projects, i start with anything that needs to be fixed. leaky faucet? slow drain? chipped paint on trim? even if those things cost money, it’s something that actually needs to be done. it’s not a want. keeping a house/apartment in good repair is a necessity. and with gardening, i start with weeding. also free. also necessary. even the sparest outside looks okay if it’s neat.
so yeah, i try to accomplish the things that i actually need to do, because i feel such relief when they’re done. that’s what i do.
also, april is the worst.
I have been a minimalist for 3 years now. I am a recovering hoarder and shop-a-holic, you can’t really have one without the other, loll. Anyways, I still get hit with the urge, especially so when the temperature changes and I have to re-think my work outfits (I have 5 “uniform” outfits that I just switch out accessories for). About a year ago I started “minimalism Sundays”, on Sunday I spend at least part of the day reading minimalism blogs, watching minimalism YouTube videos and listening the the minimalists podcasts. It keeps my refreshed and positive to start the week and helps keep me from getting sucked into the consumerism vortex. Also, I have gotten really good at returning stuff when I do slip up.
Minimalism Sundays — what a great idea, Mel! It’s always important for us to root and re-root ourselves in our truth. I love that you set aside a whole day for it. Thank you for sharing. :)
I used to shop a lot especially after my divorce and now sadly I might be heading for yet another one. When the emotional bug and the need to go shopping hits I try and soothe myself with a great piece of chocolate, maybe a coffee from a chain store or local one and a good conversation with a friend. It seems to help. I also try and remember that no matter what I still have someone else’s feelings to think of as well when the sh*& hits the fan and I am not alone with what I am going through. It just feels that way.
When I’m feeling bummed and I want to shop. I have to distract myself with another activity. I play 2048 on my phone hahaha or weirdly enough I pin things so it’s like virtual shopping. Or I plan a vacation. Get exciting about something else helps.
Dear Caroline, I don’t know if you remember me, but we use to be blogging buddies way back in the day! I knew you as Caroline Joy Casey :) ! I found your beautiful new blog through our own ventures into minimalism, and was delighted to recognize you! Your style totally fits my heart. Anyhow, I’m coming out of the shadows of readership to give you a virtual hug and let you know that, from one feeler to another, I stand by you and you are not alone. Praying for you today, and thank you for sharing an honest heart. As Aslan said, “Courage, dear heart!” Your themes and perspective are a blessing to me, and obviously many others!
Caroline, I love how honest this is. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through a hard time, but hopefully you’re feeling lots of love from the Unfancy community right now to help you through it. :) You seem like such a positive person (as I try to be as well) that it can be hard to be stuck in a negative frame of mind and tempting to ignore the issue. But ultimately, I think it’s healthy to let those emotions out, whether you need to cry, write in a journal or vent to someone close to you. Honor those feelings and know that they are valid, but not permanent. For me, the simplest things often cheer me up the most: a hug from my husband, cuddling my puppy, creating something or sweating out the stress at the gym. If online shopping is on my mind, I try to let the item sit in my cart until I figure out how I really feel about it. If you slip up and make a mistake, don’t be too hard on yourself. We’ve all been there! Hope you feel better soon <3
Dear Caroline,
I can truly relate to what you’re feeling. I think we all eventually go through times like these in our lives. Let the feelings come and sink in, then mindfully acknowledge that “It is what it is…for now” (this is a great quote I heard from Susan Kaiser Greenland in a podcast). It shall pass, have faith. In the meantime, try to focus on nice things. There are 2 ideas I appreciate a lot and believe to be great tools to help us put things in a better perspective. One is called The Jar of Awesome: basically, you get a mason jar and start putting little papers in it where you write stuff you are grateful for. It could be one paper a day, something like that. Then, whenever you feel a little sad, you open the jar and start reading them. The other idea came from my yoga teacher in a group class (what a fun afternoon it was!). It is sort of a wish/vision board: you create it with a light carboard paper cut in a big circle (mandala like) and you make a pic collage from interesting images you find in magazines. The images should project your dreams for the current year. You divide the circle in 7 areas of life, starting from the top/clockwise with 1-self, 2-money, 3-work, 4-family, 5-health, 6-relationships and 7-spirituality. After it is done, you place it somewhere in your home, for yourself only, but it is important that you are able to see it everyday, so as to reinforce your wishes. It is strong, powerful and invigorating. You can renew it every year and access what happened…You should give it a try! I mean, “it’s all invented”, right? ;)
Your blog and kind words have been truly inspiring me to live better everyday. Hope all is well soon. Best wishes all the way from Brazil, Roberta :)
PS. I read The Art of Possibility after you recommended it. Total game-changer! Forever grateful for that, thank you so much!
I had a bad day today too. I ended up crying over a snide comment that was made to me. I’m normally not so easy to cry but today I was very sensitive. I don’t welcome these feelings either. I like what you said about treating my feelings as guests. So smart. I am also a “silent reader” but had to get on just to say – I hope that your week gets better. Sending rainbows ? And sunshine ☀️ over your way. ?
So much love for this post! I’m no stranger to this feeling as I’ve had depression since I was 15. I escape by napping or distracting myself by a household design project which may or may not get completed (your blog has saved me from overshopping for clothes). Therapy helps to set aside time to really focus on the problem at hand and the triggers that take it to the deep end. At the end of every session, she asks what I’m going to do for self care. I love the reminder that I need to take care of my mind, body, and soul.
Thanks for your honesty! You inspire a lot of people, just make sure you take a moment to care for yourself <3
Sorry you’re having a hard time. My suggestion? A trip to the library! You can wander, find books (and take them home), maybe learn something, it’s peaceful…and free! And a great way to support and be a part of your community.
Take care of yourself!
This is so refreshing to hear. I love your story and follow your posts weekly because I can relate. The shopping therapy bug is something I struggle with and I’m finding that letting go of these items is so so hard (I’m currently Marie Kondoing my life right now and donating and selling things). I know this isn’t about me, but I wanted to ask you if you dealt with that or how you deal with that? I’m having a hard time letting go of an item that I know will be better off in the hands of a new owner, it no longer fits me or my lifestyle, and yet I’m having such a hard time releasing it. Even if you’re not able to answer, I just want you to know I appreciate your honest and lovely posts.
The only things that really helps me is by doing a cardio workout, but not Yoga because it’s too mental. I really need to sweat it out because I’ve had all my moments of clarity during a really hard work out. Meditation or Yoga (I know workouts on top of workouts) works after the hardcore sweaty workout. Sometimes I like to talk to people, but it has to be with the right person. With the person who is there to listen and not make it all about themselves. If that person isn’t around, it’s the hardcore workout, a hike, or Yoga/Meditation after the workout.
These are what work for me, but everyone is different. Shopping doesn’t really help me. I actually get rid of more stuff when I’m in a funk. It’s almost as if I’m trying to clear out bad energy or something…i dunno.
A good quality fish oil, vitamin D3 and probiotics help me out too.
Good luck with everything.
xoxo,
Shelbi
Stay strong and resist the urge to shop when you’re feeling low! I like the idea of putting things in a shopping basket and coming back after a few days. I hope you will feel better very soon.
I’m feeling a bit rubbish myself this week. I know it’s hormonal, I’d like to think I’m pretty good at recognising the signs and listening to my body… But this month I’m specially feeling the brunt of it all and seem to be focusing on all the negative things around me. And yes, I fell to retail therapy. :( I think I made a good choice, but I really don’t need anymore clothes. Don’t be like me and stress shop!
Your Spotify playlists have been giving me a lot of joy, I love making/having breakfasts to the coffee & tea playlists in particular! Thanks for being awesome Caroline!
Have you read the gift of imperfection? It is a fantastic book, talks a lot about the importance of living with vulnerability. I think you would like it.
the political climate being what it is leaves me varying degrees of hopeless, angry and OH SO BLUE… i also feel an urge to shop my feelings, usually thrifting, because it’s a go-to from my younger bluer days. i often redirect to long walks, or drink something warming. sometimes writing or sketching can work wonders. thanks for being vulnerable here. one of the many reasons this is one of the only fashion blogs i still visit regularly.
When I am feeling my human condition and want to shop for more, I sing parts of this obscure Madonna clip. “I’m so happy with what I’ve got, I want More, More, More.” On you tube search for: Madonna-More-Dick Tracy Footage. It allows me to chuckle at myself and be sympathetic at the same time. I progress, I regress.
And I suspect the amazing Madonna is channeling Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to JFK at his 40th Birthday party at Madison Square Garden.
I love this post! How brace of you to be vulnerable on the internet.
I’m a therapist, and when I was first starting my career, I worked at a job with kids that left me feeling super emotionally vulnerable a lot of the time, and I was also working out in the community, so I would often shop between appointments as a way to fill the time and make myself feel better. Your blog was one of the things that helped me understand this unhealthy pattern and really make a shift toward a new job that is a better fit for me. As I often say to my (adult) clients, it’s usually not super helpful to ignore feelings, especially if they continue to come up. Feelings are never wrong, and they need honored.
When I get that urge for instant gratification now, I hit the library! I love books, and it feels good to walk out with an armload, even if I don’t end up reading them all.
I pack a suitcase in my head of what I would take with me when I leave and start my new life over in someplace warm and sunny–like Portugal! Its a bit silly, but it makes me feel like options are Always available:)
And NEVER EVER go into Target when feeling ready to emotional shop?
Thanks for sharing this; I been experiencing this a lot recently too. I’ve been dealing with some health issues that require me to stick to a pretty restrictive diet, which I think makes me feel even more so like shopping is my only outlet when those icky feelings get overwhelming… but, here are some of the things that I’ve found helpful:
– Reread a favorite, comforting children’s’ novel like The Secret Garden (also, try to find out how to get checkout kindle books from your local library to mirror the instant gratification of online shopping!)
– Volunteer in some way that connects you with your local community; I’ve found that helping out at a local community garden after work and serving breakfast at a local food kitchen really get me out of my head and help me gain perspective (and also just tire me out too much to feel so anxious!)
– Find a way to get outside in some way every day
– Try out a new, just complicated enough to be engrossing, but not stressful, recipe for dinner
Everyone’s different, of course, but those are just a few ideas. :) Thanks again for your post!
I just moved to a new city and seeing stylish people in great outfits, coupled with being homesick, has made me want to shop for a whole new wardrobe. To cope, I’ve been spending quiet time in my apartment (my favourite way to recoup), making all my favourite meals/snacks and getting focused with raining regularly again. So I guess that’s rest, healthy food and exercise. Consciously looking after my mind and body makes me feel more in control. I hope you feel better soon, look after yourself Caroline :)
I would like to echo the other comments on loving this post! Vulnerability and extra sensitivity always hit me the hardest when I’m going through some big life transition, which has been most of my late twenties (moving, marriage, babies). I currently handle “all the feels” by talking to my therapist husband and journaling. Giving words to the feelings helps me to take away their power :) Rereading journal entries is a good reminder that they are often temporary and fleeting, too.
I agree with a few others about “everything in moderation” type sentiment. Also, I would suggest gardening as a great distraction. I can suggest plants and websites! Or possibly catching up on the news or a good book.
My husband is in the military and when he deploys, I shop. I’m lonely – new rug! I am bored after the kids go to bed- new shoes! I’m overwhelmed with the weight of all the responsibility – new freaking everything. Nothing fills the Curt-sized hole and I know it won’t but it still feels more like self care than anything else.
Life is hard mama. I’m in it with you. Failing and learning and just naming it when we can so we can face it. Much love girl.
I find that what I need is more SEEING or LOOKING at new things, than buying new things, so I try to treat myself to an indulgent visual experience. A museum, a beautiful movie, or sometimes even a store. That usually scratches the itch, without much money being spent.
Thanks for sharing. It s nice to know that everyone has these ups and downs.
I just have to comment, since you said “how fascinating” in this post, that I am just finishing up reading The Art of Possibility. I remember you recommending it long ago and had filed it away in the back of my mind, and recently I searched your blog to find the title. I’m so glad you recommended it! It’s definitely going to stick with me for a long time, and obviously it’s stuck with you, too. So thank you!
And go ahead and feel those feelings! This too shall pass :)
Thank you for being so vulnerable and willing to share. I suggest journaling, your favorite cardio, yoga, and mindfulness exercises. Separately, I always feel better when I do things for other people.:)
I am in the same boat lately! Hope you are able to find a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard, I know. Sending you all the good vibes I can muster!
Look at this beautiful conversation you started! I just wanted to add that whenever I get the shopping bug, I think of alllllll the many, many online orders I’ve received that didn’t fit, didn’t look like they did on the model, felt scratchy, broke right away, etc., etc., etc., and how gosh darn ANNOYING it always is to have to return something in the mail. And voila — then I suddenly don’t even want to buy the thing, and I get this small but real sense of relief that I won’t have to return it ;) Also, I feel somehow virtuous because I have just “saved” the amount of money I would have spent on whatever it was that was just in my shopping cart.
Thank you so much for this blog. You really do change lives with it.
I hear you. I’m in the same spot right now. There are big life decisions to be made and I’m paralyzed with anxiety over them. It’s hard. I try to look at others around me and remind myself that they, too, have faced situations like mine and they came out the other side. Often they even came out stronger and wiser. That tends to help my overall perspective. For the short term I employ a lot of the same tactics that have been mentioned already: really good chocolate, Ryan Adams’ music, yoga, yoga and more yoga, getting lost in a good book or simply giving in and having a good, long ugly cry. Good luck, Caroline, and thank you.
First and foremost, thank you for your honesty, real-ness and willingness to share. Truly.
Also, what I do is lay on the floor and *make* myself feel what I feel. For three breaths – even if that is all. And I take extra care around what I already know works best for me: go slow, one thing at a time, keep it simple.
I work with patients/clients and coach them through spots I still struggle with myself. (Still human and all.) Part of me feels I need to have it figured out already. But this being human stuff is un-ended. And that’s okay (even if, wow, sure doesn’t feel that way some…er, most…days).
Sending care, support, gentleness.
Last year was the lowest, hardest and most painful time of my life and I am beginning to come to a place of peace and joy again, knowing that the road ahead will continue to be difficult at times. As life is for most at some point or another. Anyway, the depth of difficulty left me desperate for help, and I thought I’d share some of the most meaningful supports-
-a good therapist, by far and above is the main reason I am where I am today
-exercise endorphins, I found a kickboxing gym where you actually punch bags which ended up being so therapeutic for me beyond the endorphins (visualizing the unfair things in that bag)
-mindfulness practice, focused a lot during therapy but also got a mindfulness daily app that really helped
-once I got to an okay place where I could do some mindfulness practice and quiet my mind in a healthy way, then going to a meditation class and yoga also helped
-a support group for my specific issue
-having at least 1 or 2 friends who knew everything and knew me well that I could be brutally honest with
-fostering two different dogs
Wow, count me in as another feeling the same way lately. I definitely think I’m resisting the feelings, too… I’m under a lot of stress—finishing up my dissertation to defend in a month, thinking about moving shortly after, and trying to find a job (which is pretty much impossible right now even though I’ll have a PhD). I realized these past couple of weeks that all I want to do is spend money…on pretty much anything, but especially new clothes. Luckily nothing is that impulsive; I want to buy everything on my wish list, haha, but still. I’m trying to remind myself to save money just in case I don’t find a job right after I defend but it’s so hard. (I mean, I guess the good thing is that I’ve been listing a bunch of things on my Poshmark so maybe that will balance out the new purchases?! Ha.)
I hope by now you are feeling better with all the kind comments and suggestions. I have never commented on the fashion blogs I read, but I wanted to tell you how much you have helped me. That might provide a bit of a lift today. I am probably twice your age, a grandmother, petite and fond of wearing color. What then did I find so helpful? One day you commented something like, “I have casual clothes, and then I have very casual clothes.” Also, you posted on how to be seasonal in a hot climate. These two postings made me realize I should be finding ways to style the clothes I actually live in day to day. Your cognac flip flops (I went with gray) were a breakthrough! Simple casual things could be elements of style. Thanks for that!
I love this post so much. Reminds me that I´m not alone. Thank you so much. I try to journal a lot when the feelings are overwhelming. That way I can “track” my behaviour and get to know myself better. Thank you so much for your text today <3
It depends on what’s making me anxious or sensitive. If it’s a big thing (for me it was infertility 10 years ago), I let myself GO THERE but then I bring myself back. I had a few trusted people I could talk to to work it out. Side note…I have 2 wonderful kids now, adopted from Korea :)
If it’s just a general ‘Butterly in the stomach’ type of anxiety, I can usually turn over in my head how I got there…did I say something stupid the other day, do I have something coming up I’m anxious about, am I just feeling lazy. Then, I turn it over and over in my head and see every thing through from every side until I realize….it’s ok.
As far as shopping…this time of year is the toughest for me. I’m the hardest on summer clothes and I don’t like to shop in the summer, so I anticipate and shop now. It can lead to me going a bit overboard.
Hope you’re feeling better soon and that you got something in the comments that works for you.
Thank you for your sincerity and openness, in a world where everyone has a “perfect” life it is refreshing to see vulnerability.
I believe we all have days we would love to run and solve our problems by evading them.
Here are a couple of things I like to do to distract me from shopping:
1. Listen to podcast, Inparticularly like Optimal Living Daily, it has episodes no longer than 10 minutes and always changes my perspective.
2. Get busy: clean something, work on a project that I’ve been postponing.
3. Browse online and make a wishlist.
4. I’ve been going through a stressful and rough time with life , so I decided to add some supplements to my daily routine . I read and article about “adaptogens” Ayurvedic medicine that helps deal with emotions and been taking this
Planetary Herbals Ashwagandha Full Spectrum 570 mg, Rejuvenating Tonifier,120 Tablets https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005P0GTQY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_Mc6flGYVZ3xY7
3. Yoga :) i just feel so much better after.
4. Call someone with a good sense of humor or someone I haven’t talked to in a while.
Hope you get to feeling better soon .?
you’ve already received some really great advice, but I just wanted to tell you that I think that this blog post is a huge step in the right direction.
I have been struggling with infertility and subsequent feelings of inferiority and failure for 5 years now. for most of that time I didn’t say a word to anyone but my husband and carried the burden all alone. Since I began slowing opening up to others about my struggle, I have found such relief at no longer being alone. Pain and struggle are part of the human experience, and one of the very bravest acts is to grieve without avoiding.
I’m glad you have such supportive community on this blog. You’ve been an inspiration to me and I hope that the many wise words of readers will inspire you in return. We all struggle in a similar way and you are not alone!
This was a beautiful post, you know I have also been feeling this way for that last few months. Maybe it’s the winter, maybe it’s unhappiness in work, maybe it’s this weird time in my life while I’m just in “limbo” waiting for the next chapter in my life to start. But it’s so comforting to hear so many women feel the same. There’s something to be said about not feeling like you’re alone, it’s so comforting to hear so many other women going through what you’re going through. I commend your openness, it’s not easy to be so vulnerable in a public space but it’s so refreshing. As I’m finally coming out of my funk and accepting the things I cannot change until my next chapter (I have to a wait things out for another year before I really start my life on the path I want) I do have some advice that has helped me: enjoy the sunshine (seriously it works wonders – enjoy a nice cup of tea outside and feel the warmth on your skin), find therapy in nature, try to acknowledge 3 things every day that you are grateful for in your life, and when all else fails nothing beats a great dinner or lunch with good girl friend. Those things will always make you feel better than shopping. Wishing you all the best, while things might be hard now they always work on in the end xoxox
I can relate all too well to the feeling of resistance and the “I’m fine” mantra. Recently I’ve started using meditation as a way to step back, focus, and allow my thoughts/emotions flow freely without evaluating them too harshly. I think simply recognizing an emotion, knowing that you are sad, or stressed, or sensitive, and allowing yourself to feel that way without instantly pushing to “fix” it, goes a long way! Hope you feel better soon.
My pacifier isn’t shopping, but rather a less expensive, but also less healthy distraction: sugar. I love cake and cookies and ice cream even when I’m happy, but when I’m vulnerable I just have the urge to build a wall of chocolate around me. I try to create a fine balance in which I let myself indulge just enough to feel like I’ve given myself a little treat of kindness, but not so much that the treat becomes punishment. When we are blue we need to show ourselves love, but when we overdo it love feels a lot like hate. Anyway, I think you’re doing the best thing you can for yourself by sharing these feelings. They may not feel so scary anymore when they’re written down, huh? Feel better soon :-)
Hello Caroline! I follow your posts and now I decided to write here to give you some support- this feeling is common or at least it happens to me frequently! If possible, I try to relax then or to spend some time with people I love. Another thing I did was to… Shop- but I don’t shop for clothes then, but I bought a great book which I had always wanted to read! It made me feel relaxed, distracted from problems & intelectually stimulated. I highly recommend this solution!
Girl, I feel you. I”ve been in a state of emotional upheaval and anxiety all of 2017 it seems. I try to find those pockets of time I can take to care for myself – to do the things that fuel me, but you’re right, they don’t always work. Trying to just ride the wave until it’s over and surround myself with good things – good books, sunshine, long walks. <3
http://www.wonderlandsam.com
I’ve been feeling all the feels lately too. And I typically give in to my urge to shop. But it is such a temporary fix…the boost of happy feelings last only until I actually wear the new thing and then it’s just another item in my closet like everything else. I’m trying so hard to stop doing that. I don’t have a great solution though. I’m just trying to be mindful of it and catch myself out before I follow through with the purchase.
Hi Caroline,
I tried to reply to you yesterday but don’t think it went through. Am sorry to hear you’re having a hard time! I really think the ‘shopping bug’ is sold to us as a form of nurture or a way to make ourselves feel better (and when the purchase doesn’t meet the deeper need – maybe another one will). There’s such a lot of pressure on us to always feel happy too, and really, how can we? Life happens. And I think always tryin to be happy or positive can be exhaustin and disconnecting. I always remember Alice Miller telling of the patient who left therapy in tears but no longer depressed. Sometimes we just feel as we do, and I think finding a community which can bear that alongside you is really important!!
That said, I find reading helps me, and being outside too. Ah, and vitamin supplements too, particularly B12 or Magnesium if I’m down or restless. There’s such a lovely book I read called Self Compassion. I can’t remember who wrote it, but it helped a lot. Andy Fisher’s Radical Ecopsychology changed my life! It’s quite technical, but it talks a lot about how living with our own embodied experiences (even if that means an awareness of our unhappiness) helps us heal the social damage we live with via manipulation. It’s on google scholar I think.
You know, I get so frustrated with the idea that we should be these perfect beings. Life happens and times are hard. It’s lovely that you could share. I think it takes your blog into a very real and human space. And judging by the other comments, it really meant a lot to the people you shared with too.
Oh yes and yes. I’m also very sensitive and get down, too. I gained weight this last year and told myself i wouldn’t shop til i lost weight. Then I felt down because i couldn’t lose weight AND hated the way I looked. So in that moment, i did shop. But mostly i try not to. I watch a girly movie, drink a hot chocolate and get outside for a walk, gardening or just a tea in the sun. All the best. Thank you so much for sharing.
Haven’t read anyone suggesting scheduling a massage. A restorative, soothing, relaxing massage. So much more satisfying than another purse or sweater! Hope things are looking brighter soon!
I’ve just gotten out of the hospital and had to take a medical leave from school. Even though I need the rest, I was enjoying my classes and I was looking forward to graduating college. Lately I’ve been feeling simultaneously impatient for the next stage in my life and also unmoored and ambivalent about the future. It’s nice to be reminded that all this agita is temporary.
What a lovely, honest, brave post. Thank you, for being true, and being real. I often go through periods of emotional anguish – I tend to be very sensitive, and it has taken me many years to accept myself as I am, and to have gentle compassion for myself, and to learn that emotions happen, and it’s important to acknowledge them, but that you also have a choice in how to respond to them. Sometimes I feel super upset, or “excessively” sad, for no apparent reason – and while it’s hard, I’ve learned that okay to just sit with the feelings and accept them, and allow space for self-care and self-forgiveness. Be kind to yourself, and don’t beat yourself up worrying that you SHOULD be “less sensitive” or “happier.” SHOULDS are dangerous. Life is about a full spectrum of experiences, the ups and the downs. You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing.
ok deep breathes. we are collectively suffering through this energy right now. this does not minimize your pain, rather we feel it too, in our own eco system. i practice yoga through mine and also project bitch vibes at my husband (later apologizing). point is I feel you. and damn what a super cute outfit. keep on keepin on Caroline… you are a light in our worlds and always inspirational
Hola Caroline. Your blog is pure perfection! Thank you for your candid post. We are often just privy to the finished, polished product but in lifting the veil and showing the process, we can also find relief in the fact that in the end, we are all human. I can relate very much to your feelings in this post. Earlier in September, I experienced high levels of anxiety and found a way back to myself again (thank you Universe). I haven’t read all the comments, so these suggestions may already have been given, but here are some the things helped ME tremendously (Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional so take it or leave it as you please):
1. Get out of the house and enjoy beauty: this took the form of nature walks, parking by lakes, visiting museums and places of worship (I live by a buddhist temple that hosts one of the largest buddha statues in the country; also our local university chapel gives weekly organ concerts for free), going to the bookstore and/or library always provide a home away from home for me, gives me so much comfort and solace, and brings back lovely childhood memories of weekly visits to the library with my father. These places offered me the opportunity to visually take in my surrounding (I am a highly visual person) and forget my woes even for just a little while.
2. Guided Meditation: everywhere I looked/read, it was suggested to do meditation. I was in my head so much that silent meditation seemed to make things worse. When I turned to guided meditation, I found that being able to concentrate on someone else’s words allowed me a break from my (often negative) mental chatter.
3. Exercise: even though I fought it tooth and nail, it really helped me tons. I love rhythmic, social exercise so Zumba and salsa classes were my go to choices. An added bonus is that they bring me back to my caribbean roots and help me feel connected to something bigger than myself.
4. Gratitude/Thankfulness: writing down 5-10 things in a notebook that I was grateful for helped divert my attention to all the blessings that surrounded me every day.
5. Friends & Family (that you consider friends): this was so crucial for me because during this time, it was the last thing I wanted to do but I forced myself to talk/visit/go out with friends/family. In commiserating with loved ones, I didn’t feel as alone in my struggles.
5. The Secret/Abraham Hicks/Louise Hay: okay, okay, I know the metaphysical thing is not for everybody but listening to any of these on YouTube was a monumental help to me! I simply took the bits that made sense to me and helped to heal me and make me feel better and left the ones that didn’t.
6. Warm bath + lavender = restful night’s sleep: aromatherapy is everything! Every time I do this before nigh nigh, it works like magic! I either put a few drops behind each ear, on my pillow or sachet, or on my knitted teddy (yes, I sleep with a teddy. I love him.) and before I know it, I’m off.
Thank you for sharing your feelings & allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I usually find that when I’m brave enough to be honest & real with people, I end up opening the door to more authentic friendships & self acceptance. I have to choose wisely though. There’s nothing worse than opening up to the wrong person, like a narcissist for example, and being left hanging there, exposed & regretting it. I think you definitely made the right choice here, with a group of like minded sisters.
I normally get the shopping bug when I’m unhappy with myself physically. I too look for that distraction & the “perfect” piece that will make me look & feel better. But that joy is short lived & very soon the piece gets lost in my closet.
When I can’t resist the urge, I at least make a point of shopping at the thrift store, so I don’t have too much invested in it & I don’t feel guilty about passing it on if it doesn’t belong in my closet.
I love to shop online, placing things in my shopping cart but not buying them right away. Usually I end up never buying, but if there’s something I end up needing, many times companies have sent me a coupon code to encourage me to buy it, so Bonus! :)
I suffer from generalized anxiety & take medication for it without apologizing. I need it. No shame.
It may seem silly, but I have found that writing positive affirmations on my bathroom mirror with dry erase markers has really helped with my self talk. Right now my mirror says “I compare myself only to my highest self. I trust myself. I acknowledge my self worth. My thoughts are filled with positivity.” I read those every time I look in the mirror & focus on feeling them.
Again, thank you for your honesty & for allowing us to open up to you as well. (((HUG)))
I’m commenting super late on this, as I’m just now catching up after a busy past few days. Thank you for your honesty – you have such a beautiful heart and it really shines through in this blog! :) I’ve only been reading for about 3 months (after finally making the decision to confront my out of control shopping habits), and your wisdom, transparency and honesty has helped change my life. I have decided not to shop for 1 year to get this thing under control, and your blog has been a daily encouragement to me. It’s actually been easier than I thought it would be, but I’ve been nervous about what will happen when the ‘shopping bug’ bites again. Isn’t it interesting that SO many of us struggle with this? I think it’s so amazing that you’ve formed a safe place to process it all, encourage one other, and ‘link arms’ and walk through this into freedom together. THANK YOU for what you’re doing, Caroline. You are so special and so valued by your readers! XO
Oh, wow, this is so totally normal! And I’m so glad you openly shared about how you’re feeling/doing! I find that we women have cycles like this all the time… often every month… as our bodies cycle through the four phases of our month. There’s a week where we want to start all the things up (new projects, etc.)… a few days in the middle where we feel irresistible and magnetic to others… then a longer stretch towards the end where we start to go inward and try to wrap everything up, organize everything, declutter and put everything in its place (this is the time when we usually start all-the-feels and things start to bother us)… and then our actual cycle where we want to hibernate, go within, start evaluating everything in life :) This cycling-through is quite normal…and part of our feminine flow…and there’s a FB group called “The Sanctuary” that’s out there to support women who want to learn how to align their life and their biz to their menstrual cycle.It’s not my info, I’m just sharing it in the way that I’ve experienced it… but it may help validate how you’re feeling… and help you capitalize on the beauty of that feeling without trying to wish it away :)
Wow, thank you Caroline, for your honesty. I’ve checked in every once in a while since I discovered you in august 2014. I respect your honesty. We run the full gamut of emotions (sometimes all in one day!) and it can be exhausting. When I feel like I need instant gratification (old behaviour: shopping) I now go to the library and pick up as many books as I can carry on design, fashion, gardens, whatever. The books feel ‘new’ to me, and I can return them later, after I’ve spread them out and looked at them slowly, with a glass of wine.